Chief Talks: The Intellectual The World Doesn't Need, But Deserves
by BannaMan
Summary: The Chief and Arbiter express their thought and opinions in this humor filled story. What will the Chief and Arbiter talk about next? Leave your ideas in the reviews and I'll choose one at random. Pour yourselves a glass of wine and read about intelligent men talk about intelligent based things. Rated T for Top-Hats. Season II of Chief Talks is ago! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: Romance

**DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY IS A JOKE AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN PERSONALLY. DO NOT THINK I HATE ROMANCES, THIS IS A COMEDY, A JOKE!**

 **Scene One -** _A warm atmosphere is present in a small little room with a fireplace burning in the middle, a large recliner is next to the fireplace with a nightstand next it. A green armored figure sits comfortably in the the chair, wearing a crimson robe, reading a book titled_ _Why I'm Better By: Master Chief_ _and has a pipe sticking out where his mouth should be on his helmet._

 **Chief:** *looks up* Oh, hello, *closes book and sets it on nightstand* I didn't see you there. I'd like to welcome you to my humble abode. Even me, a Covenant killing murder machine, need a place to kick back and relax. Well while you're here, I'd like to talk about a certain _situation_ I've noticed while browsing Halo Fan Fiction, I'm constantly being paired with Cortana. I would like to say that, while we all have the right to speak freely, I would like to read about me kicking ass, rather than cuddling with Cortana. You wouldn't think that a Si-Fi shooter would be mostly romance.

 _Camera pans left, revealing another figure, the Arbiter._

 **Arbiter:** I do want to say, *sips wine glass*, there are some good romance stories out there, but It's kinda gross seeing the _Demon_ being paired with Lasky, or me has a female being paired with a human. I mean, even us Sangheili have standards. You can continue _Demon_.

 _Camera pans right, to Chief, who's pouring himself a glass of wine_

 **Chief:** Yes, an occasional romance is okay, but most stories that are still being written ARE romance, Drama would even b-"

 _Chief's cut off by the sound of gunfire coming from the lower floors. The Arbiter puts his hand to his head, a slight mumble could be heard._

 **Arbiter:** Apparently, a huge mob of people have appeared, wanting to spill our blood. *stops talking has more radio chatter is heard* and they want to spill our blood since they are the writers of the romances.

 _Chief rises, brandishing an MA5, his robe falling, to reveal his damaged Mk 7 armor. The Arbiter soon joins him, his new 343 armor gleaming in the firelight._

 **Chief:** I'm sorry but we'll have to cut this short there are-

 **Arbiter:** About 900 people storming the building

 **Chief:** Thanks

 _Sound of 1800 footsteps echo through the building_

 **Chief:** Get ready to fight

 **Arbiter:** Yes *Arbiter nods while pulling out energy sword*

 **Halo comrades, This was a short little thing I wanted do. I did notice a lot of Halo Fan fics were romances and I thought "What would Chief say if he saw some of these." Please enjoy and remember THIS IS A JOKE. I have read a few good Halo romances. Goodbye you models**


	2. Chapter 2: Grammar

**DISCLAIMER : I AM A GRAMMAR NAZI BUT NOT A FASCIST NAZI**

 **Scene One-** _A warm atmosphere is present in a small little room with a fireplace burning in the middle, a large recliner is next to the fireplace with a nightstand next it. A green armored figure sits comfortably in the the chair, wearing a crimson robe, reading a book titled_ _Remember That Time By: M. J. Caboose_ _and has a pipe sticking out where his mouth should be on his helmet_

 **Chief:** Oh hello, *closes book and sets it down on night stand* I see you're back for more. Today, I would like to talk to you about a certain _parasite_ , not the flood, but people who don't use proper grammar. Here's an example from YouTube *pulls out out a letter from robe pocket and opens it. Chief starts to read what written on it* " _Pewdiepie is the better youtuber on the world"_ Has you can see, whoever wrote this comment obviously has an IQ of 2 (and that's being generous)

 _Camera pans to the left, revealing another figure sitting in a recliner wearing a purple and gold robe. It's the Arbiter_

 **Arbiter:** *sips wine* I perfectly agree with you _Demon,_ humans and Sangheili should learn how to use proper human grammar-

 _Chief cuts off Arbiter and says_

 **Chief:** It's actually called English-

 _Arbiter ignores Chief and continues talking_

 **Arbiter:** -so that the entire population's IQ doesn't drop.*Sips wine*

 **Chief:** Here's another example from yet again Youtube "Th _ey stip freak me out"_ This person obviously doesn't proofread, he sh-

 _Chief's cut off by the sound of people screaming "SIEG HEIL ZU GRAMMATIK"_

 **Arbiter:** It would seem *puts hand to head, a slight mumble can be heard* that all the Grammar Nazis have come to worship us. *more mumbling* and they want to sacrifice us to the Grammar god, Commadolf Hiphenler ( **Hiphen-ler** ).

 _Chief slowly rises, letting his robe drop, revealing his Mark 6 armor. The Arbiter joins him and rises, letting his robe drop flashing his old shipmaster armor, the fire light reflecting off his chest plate and the Chief's visor_

 **Arbiter:** The Grammar Nazis have destroyed the guards and are scrambling up the stairs

 **Chief:** Are you ready to fight out of here *cocks Shotgun, causing a shell to launch out and fall to the ground*

 **Arbiter:** Aye Demon *pulls out a energy sword, the handle sparks to life*

 **Chief:** Let's rock *Chief runs forward just has hands slam open the door*

 **And cut. Halo mein Comrades, this was chapter 2 of Chief Talks. I didn't plan for this to be a series but due to positive reviews and how fast they came in, I decided to make more, personally, I enjoy writing this anyway. Tschüs you European swimsuit models**


	3. Chapter 3: PC Master-Race

**DISCLAIMER : I AM NOT A PART OF PC MASTER-RACE BUT I ENJOY PC GAMES**

 **Scene One-** _A warm atmosphere is present in a small little room with a fireplace burning in the middle, a large recliner is next to the fireplace with a nightstand next it. A green armored figure sits comfortably in the the chair, wearing a crimson robe, reading a book titled_ _GRAMMATIK für Dummies: Grammar Hitler_ _and has a pipe sticking out where his mouth should be on his helmet_

 **Chief :** Oh hello, I didn't see you there. *puts down book* I'd like to talk about a plague that's been haunting the Internet for sometime now, the belief that PC is the best and that all PC users are the best. We're forgetting an important gaming platform when we talk about PC. The video game console.

 **Arbiter :** I agree *sips Mountain Dew* We need to show love the console gamers out there.

 **Chief:** PC is fun but it isn't convenient, how can you play _Skyrim_ with a keyboard when It's much easier to use a controller. Why spend $1000 on a gaming PC when you can get an Xbox One for half that. Why go through the hassle of downloading a game for 3 hours when you can pop a disk in, wait for 1 minute for the update, and play? (This excludes Destiny)

 **Arbiter:** Download time is a- *Arbiter is cut off by radio chatter* Well it seems thousands of PC gamers have come to this place calling for our hanging.

 **Chief:** Not again, lets-

 _Chief is cut off by a Sangheili bursting through the door, holding an Energy Sword._

 **Sangheili:** PC MASTER-RACE!

 _Sangheili charges for Chief_

 **Arbiter:** Cut the camera, CUT THE-

 _Camera falls down and cuts, just has the sound of thousands of yells and gunfire fill the room._

 **Halo people and that was the next chapter of Chief Talks, I forced myself to write this since it was easy and short but I won't be writing the next chapter of The Oldest Memes. Sorry, I'm at a writers block. Well remember to Favorite and Follow. Peace you gorgeous, gorgeous, people...mmm...just kidding. Bye**


	4. Chapter 4: Bankrupt

**DISCLAIMER : PAY 2 WIN IS A BAD IDEA, I DON'T SUPPORT IT**

 **Scene One-** _A warm atmosphere is present in a small little room with a fireplace burning in the middle, a large recliner is next to the fireplace with a nightstand next it. A green armored figure sits comfortably in the the chair, wearing a crimson robe, reading a book titled_ _The Art of T-bagging: by RedTeam Noob_ _and has a pipe sticking out where his mouth should be on his helmet_

 **Chief :** Oh hello there, *sets down book* I didn't see you there. Well since you're here, take a seat. *sips wine* A certain "problem" has riddled game development for a long time, Pay to Win. Not only is it a bad idea, it just ruins the gaming experience for everyone.

 **Arbiter :** I agree * sips the Blood OF HIS ENEMIES* Not only do Pay to Win games ruin the fun for almost everyone, people who are cheapskates, like the author of this story, can't have fun.

 **Chief :** For example, the game _Heroes and Generals_ is a great game, but when people can just buy everything with real life money, they didn't truly "earn" anything, while the cheapskates have to grind for everything. When you can buy the guns, you don't get that feeling of attachment since you didn't earn it.

 **Arbiter:** The same thing *Arbiter stops, expecting radio chatter. He is confused why there isn't any problems* Hello? Guards. Is everything alright?

 **Guard on radio:** *mumbled* Yes sir. It seems that everyone agrees with you.

 **Arbiter and Chief:** Uh, strange...

 **Chief :** Something doesn't feel right...

 **CameraMan:** Um, Chief, it seems that all our sponsors just dropped out. I think they were Pay to Win companies. We can't continue Chief Talks.

 _Producers and cameramen swarm around Chief and Arbiter, picking up props. One crew takes the Arbiters wine glass_

 **Arbiter:** Wait, what are you doing. Hey, don't touch my robe!

 **CameraMan:** Sorry pals, we don't have the budget anymore. We have to take all our materials and leave. When our sponsors left, so did our money... Oh shoot, I forgot to turn off the-

 **And that ends chapter 4 of Chief Talks. Trust me, the serious isn't over, I can't have similar scenarios each chapter. I decided to add some spice. Well don't forget to review you dashing people. Bye!**


	5. Chapter 5: Cold and Homeless

**DISCLAIMER : YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HELD THE POOR, BUT DON'T FALL FOR SC AM ER**

 **Scene 1:** _A cold wind blows threw a moist, dark, alley way next to Chief Studios. There is an old, metal trash can with a fire inside. The Chief stands closely to the fire, bundled in layers of clothes. The only part of his armor seen is his helmet which has a thick hat on it. He is reading a newspaper titled_ _Earthly News: The answer of life is 42, or is it?_

 _ **Chief**_ **:** Oh, hello *puts down newspaper* Has you can see, I was fired from my own studio. You know what's wrong with the world, people ignoring the homeless.

 **Arbiter :** I agree *sips old soup can* I've been spit on by humans in the upper class, one man even kicked over the can I was collect change in.

 **Chief :** We need to start fundraisers to collect money, we need to donate money to the shelters. We need to help our homeless!

 _A few other hobos nearby raise their hands and say yeah, but not very loudly. A man passes by_

 **Passerbyer:** What are you ranting about old man? Don't you know, people don't like you anymore. People like Locke are proving you suck.

 **Chief:** Why you little-

 _Chief runs at the guy his fist raised. The Arbiter follows in suite, pulling out a shank fashioned from an old hanger. The camera cuts out before the first punch is thrown. A message on screen says_ _ **Sorry, we are experiencing some technical difficulties, please hold.**_

 **See, I told you it wasn't over. Over 800 views,** _ **800.**_ **Thank you all for your continued support. Remember to review, follow, and favorite you handsome 'Muricans, or Asians, or Europeans, or Africans, or Antarcticans, and or south 'Muricans. Tschüss!**


	6. Chapter 6: Looking for Jobs

**DISCLAIMER : I HAVE A NEW COVER FOR THIS STORY**

 _ **Scene 1:**_ _Chief is sitting on the floor in a small room with a fireplace in the middle, the Arbiter is sitting across from him holding a mug. They both have blankets drooped over themselves. The Chief is reading an old book titled_ _The Lord of the Halo Rings by J. L. Keyes._

 **Chief :** Oh, hello there, *sets down book* it's been a while, what's going on? Nothing? Good. You're probably wondering how I went from a hobo to a mansion. The answer to that is a close friend.

 _A butler walks up, holding a tray_

 **Butler:** Here you go, Master John. The luke warm hot cocoa made of GabeN's tears and your biscuits.

 **Chief:** Thanks, Alfred. Give Wayne my thanks. You can go.

 _Alfred nods and leaves_

 **Chief:** You wanna know what sucks *sips hot cocoa* it's almost impossible to get a job. You have to find a job that would accept you, then you have to dress nice and compete with other people.

 **Arbiter:** Um, Chief, that's the way it is, you've got to work for money. You can't just expect people to just give it to you.

 _Chief glares at the Arbiter, Arbiter ignores Chief and continues_

 **Arbiter:** That's why you need an education if you-

 **Chief:** Republican...

 _The Chief interrupts the Arbiter_

 **Arbiter:** Excuse me, _Socialist._

 **Chief:** Um, what? _Romney_

 **Arbiter:** Please repeat that, _Putin!_

 **Chief:** You know what! GET OVER HERE!

 _Chief lunges at the Arbiter, his fist just about to be blocked by the Arbiter before the camera cuts to black._

 **A/N Halo comrades, that will be the end of whatever chapter this is. I created a new cover for this story which actually looks pretty good. I'm also working on new series for an anime called** _ **Sword Art Online,**_ **Please check it out. Keep looking sexy, See Ya!**


	7. Chapter 7: Sad For Arbiter

**DISCLAIMER: I'M RUNNING OUT OF DISCLAIMERS**

 **Scene 1:** _A humid atmosphere is present, loud noises are audible in the background. The Chief and Arbiter are sitting in a small room, next to a boiler for warmth. They're both wearing aprons. Chief is reading a book titled_ _101 Ways To Betray Your Friends: By The Prophet of Truth._ _The Arbiter is sipping some water from a bottle._

 **Chief:** Oh, Hi *puts down book* The Arbiter and I were able to settle our differences. Thanks to Bruce, he allowed us to find a job at this restaurant. We're currently on break. Hey Arbiter.

 **Arbiter:** Yes, Demon?

 **Chief:** You wanna know what's unfair, we go through so much for this place yet we only get paid 6 dollars an hour. I mean we have to clean those disgusting bathrooms everyday. I think we need a pay raise.

 **Arbiter:** I agree, don't even get me started on how filthy the urinals are *starts dry heaving*

 **Chief:** You know what, we should go on strike! Fair pay for fair work!

 **Arbiter:** I agree with you there, *sips water bottle* We should.

 **Chief:** Let's gather people now *starts getting up*

 _Manager walks in holding a mop_

 **Manager:** Chief, we have another code vomit at table 21. Get going.

 **Chief:** We want a raise! No raise, no labor.

 **Manager:** Well, no pay check for you then.

 **Chief:** Wait, *sighs* fine, I'll do it. *grabs mop and leaves*

 **Manager:** Oh, and Arbiter, we have another number 2 in the bathroom, go clean it.

 **Arbiter:** No...*faraway look in his eyes* No, NO *rolls into fetal position on floor and starts to cry hysterical* NOOOOOOOOOO-

 _Camera cut_

 **Author's Note: Halo my comrades, This was chapter I forgot of Chief Talks. I enjoyed writing this one...I wonder why. Lol, but anyway. We have almost reached 2000 views. TWO GOD DAMN THOUSAND. That's insane. I guess I am funny. Please Favorite, Follow, and Review You gorgeous peeps. Bye!**


	8. Chapter 8: America is Glorious(extra)

**DISCLAIMER: AMERICA IS THE GREATEST, NO BUTS**

 **Scene 1:** _The Chief is seen standing next to the Arbiter in a crowded street. The 2 are wearing red white and blue hats. The Arbiter is sipping a gallon size cup of beer and the Chief Is holding a book titled_ _The Declaration of Independence: by the Founding Fathers._

 **Chief:** Oh hi, I didn't see you there *turns around* The Arbiter and I are waiting for the 4th of July fireworks. We are currently on Earth in the capital, Washington DC. Man... I love America...

 **Arbiter:** I agree * gugs beer* The United States of America is the most patriotic country in the world *sheds manly tear*

 **Chief:** we have liberty, the Alamo, whiteslips, band-aids, Taco Bell, Rodeo, sushi. Ect. Now shhh, the fireworks are starting.

 _Everyone quiets down and the lights dim, a whistle is heard and the a flash of color appears in the sky. The Star Spangled Banner plays in the background._

 **Song:** Oh say can't you see, by the dawns early light. What so proudly we held, at the twilight's last gleaming...

 **Chief and Arbiter:** Whose bright stripes and bright stars, thro the perilous fight, O' the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming...

 _Boom, boom, sizzle..._

 **Author:** 'Murica... *starts crying in tears of joy*

 **Happy (late) independence day from yours truly! No offense to other countries, but today is 'Murica day.**

 **I love you The United States of America. Liberty... ;^; I approve...(not meant to fit in with the rest of the story)**


	9. Chapter 9: War Thunder vs World of Tanks

**DISCLAIMER: BEAUFIGHTER MAI WAIFU**

 **Scene One** \- A _small breeze can be felt has the Chief and Arbiter sit on a bench. The Chief is on a laptop and the Arbiter is playing something on a tablet. The back of the Chief's computer reads Halo 5 Confirmed!?._

 **Chief:** Oh hi *presses escape* I didn't see you there. If you're wondering what I'm play, it's War Thunder, the best tank game ever.

 **Arbiter:** Yes! First place!

 **Chief:** What?

 **Arbiter:** Got first place on World of Tanks.

 **Chief:** You like World of Tanks? Ha! War Thunder is obviously the better game. *Chief snickers*

 **Arbiter:** Is that so? Everytime I play War Thunder, I get one shotted. It's not fun if you constantly get one shotted.

 **Chief:** *sigh* There's a difference between being bad and the enemy knows what they're doing. In World of Tanks, the healthbars ruin the whole experience.

 **Arbiter:** You know what, let's ask a passerbyer.

 _Chief nods and they wait for about 5 minutes till someone walks by._

 **Chief:** Hey you, War Thunder or World of Tanks?

 **Jingles:** In the long run, War Thunder.

 **Chief:** *looking at Arbiter* Ha! Told you!

 **Arbiter:** Orphan...

 _Chief doesn't say a thing and instantly launches himself at the Arbiter. The camera cuts just before the first punch is thrown_

 **That ends Chapter 9 of Chief Talks! Sorry if I haven't been uploading lately, I switched this story to my secondary since I'm enjoying writing my Sword Art Online fan fiction much, much, more. Sorry 'bout that. :/ Please enjoy and don't forget to Favorite, Follow, and Review you sexy Spartans. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**


	10. Chapter 10: Much Honor

**DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A RACIST DON'T TAKEN ANYTHING SERIOUSLY IN THIS CHAPTER**

 **Scene One** _**-**_ _A warm atmosphere is present in a comfortable motel room. The Chief is lying on a bed while browsing the TV channels and the Arbiter is on his tablet (probably playing World of Tanks that bastard). The Chief stops on a channel called_ _Heil The Truth News_ _._

 **Chief:** Oh hi, I didn't see you there *puts down remote* I am was browsing TV channels. Wanna what's weird, Japan. Am I right?

 **Arbiter:** Yeah, they rely too much on honor, unlike us. I mean, I lost my childhood watching Japanese made "products" Cough*

 **Chief:** I will admit, old Japanese culture is pretty cool, with their ninjas and popes, but modern culture is just an offspring of good ol' Murican culture.

 **Arbiter:** I know, they-

 _The Arbiter is cut off has the front door is kicked down. A Samurai is standing at the broken entrance_

 **Samurai:** Arbiter! You have dishonored yourself! Duer me to regain it! *points Katana at Arbiter*

 **Arbiter:** *sigh* fine...*rises from bed* Come at me bro *pulls out energy sword and lights it*

 **Chief:** Yeah! Go Arbiter!

 _The Samurai lunges forward, the Arbiter preparing his energy sword to parry_

 **And that ends the final planned chapter for this story. I have decided, with much regret, to switch my main story over to my** _ **Sword Art Online**_ **one. Sorry. Don't worry, the story isn't over, it's just gonna slow down on updates. I only enjoy writing when I want too and forcing myself to write doesn't get good quality stories. FYI I purposely put wrong facts in the story so before you hate on wrong facts, I did it on purpose.**


	11. Chapter 11: Halo 5

**DISCLAIMER: I'M BACK BABY! OH, AND SPOILERS FOR HALO 5**

 **Scene One** _ **-**_ _A warm atmosphere is present in a small little room with a fireplace burning in the middle, a large recliner is next to the fireplace with a nightstand next it. A green armored figure sits comfortably in the the chair, wearing a crimson robe, reading a book titled_ _Halo 5 Was A Mistake By: Sarge. Johnson_ _and has a pipe sticking out where his mouth should be on his helmet._

 **Chief:** *looks up* Ah...I see you, the reader is back! *sets book down* After a large success with the author's other story, Shield and Sword, and the fact that this one as hit four thousand views, the author has decided to relaunch this story! Que the stereotypical second season of an anime intro!

 _ **One Intro Later**_

 **Chief:** So guys, to kick off this new season, we will be talking about *Chief gulps and looks away* Halo 5…

 **Arbiter:** *gasp* Chief, you wouldn't it…

 **Chief:** *nods* Yes, it is only right we speak of it. *Looks at Arbiter* What did you think of it?

 **Arbiter:** Well… *rubs back of neck* I enjoyed it? It could've been better.

 **Chief:** I agree, and the Locke vs Chief concept was a waste. I mean, I would've died to see an awesome boss battle where the puny Locke had to fight me, or at least some more action rather than just one cutscene fight.

 **Arbiter:** I agree, and the new vehicle designs were...meh at best. My new armor was also alright, the gold did go well with my teeth *flashes smile at camera* I did liked the aiming down sights.

 **Chief:** That was a cool feature, though the one thing I hate the most about Halo 5 is… *grips the arms of the chair* WHERE IS THE GOD DAMN FORGE!

 **Arbiter:** *Arbiter signals Chief to sit* Don't worry, I heard it will be coming back in December.

 **Chief:** *Chief nods and sits down again* So Arbiter, what did you think of the soundtrack?

 **Arbiter:** Well…*hums for a second as he thinks* Not my favorite, but I enjoyed some of the songs, like _Light is Green,_ and _Blue Team_.

 **Chief:** I only really liked a few, the ambiance songs suck absolute balls, and the lack of choir really got me angry. *Chief crosses arms and under breath mumbles* I miss the days of Halo 2 and 3…

 **Arbiter:** Well, the *Arbiter gets cut off by radio* Oh god no… Chief, _they_ have come…

 **Chief:** They?

 **Arbiter:** *gulps* the..fanboys…

 **Chief:** *Chief immediately shoots up, his robe dropping to reveal his cool and hip Halo 3 Armor* Arbiter… I think they're here…

 **Arbiter:** *Arbiter just gets up as an angry army of fat 12 year olds push the door down, their mouths craving the blood of the haters.* Chief! *Arbiter's robe drop to reveal his old Halo 3 Armor, he pulls out an energy sword and lights it*

 **Chief: *** Chief sprints forward and pulls out an MA5 and proceeds to begin to mow down the 12 year olds as the camera gets knocked over and cuts out*

 **And we are back baby! After seeing this story with 4k views, I feel I should return to it. Don't expect many updates.**


End file.
